LOVE ACTUALLY!

Girl, I still remember the first time I saw you

In your eyes I saw lights shining bright

Now, once I knew, I was gonna love you

Liked no one loved you

Like I never loved anyone before

Baby, baby, can’t you see

This is a love for you and me

I say, baby, baby, I wanna have only you

Ring a bell? It’s the beginning stanza of one of my all time favorite Bollywood songs. I have been habitually asking them, my friends - old and new about their love stories all this while. Today, the 14th Feb, 2011, as I sit and recollect everyone else’s love story, I reflect to “where did my story, my love story wane & stopped?” Well, a (((BIG HUG))) to start with, to all of you on this blog…the Beatles were right..."Love is all you need"...Happy reading guys!

Paul: He was my senior in college. Somehow I knew little bit about him all this while. He was a nice boy then, very gentle and kind-hearted, the kind most people dream about. He even had a good voice and danced well. Candid on the net: I still have one of his photograph where he is carefully playing guitar, it was given to me by a close friend of mine. It was a silent one-sided love. He was going around with another girl at the same time. Sure enough to break your heart but I was not completely unhappy. It was a love that I thought to risk not being loved in return. And to expose my feelings was to risk showing my true self. No one is happy all the time even if you are madly in love and have each other by your side, And not many relationships of course last for long that too when you look back on the whole things you end up looking silly. I was happy, happy most of the time. I still wonder whether any good thing had come from that love. Certainly, those small gestures made my life so enjoyable. It must be a difficult thing anyone could experience and get back the hurt when remembered but for me it was a sweet goodbye, a love to cherish in every way.

Passive: We met in college. He seemed so…I dunno…Perfect, I guess. He had grown up in Thimphu. Came from a good family, was intelligent. To me he was really handsome, handsome enough to make any girl ignore her best instincts. Back then, one of my friends had warned me “you might fall in love with P”, I guess I did fell in love again. It was such a foolish of me to be thinking of someone who had a girlfriend, yet again. He was a nice guy especially considering the fact that he was nice to me. There were myriad of things that went unsaid between us. There are still those unspoken thoughts. I wish I get that one chance, I could give him the letters I wrote to him in my crude book titled “Things I Want to Say to You!”  For the first time I fully understood that: Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back! Don’t expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn’t, be content it grew in yours.

Mr. HRN: I have no idea when my heart created that space for this one, I really don’t know. It was like this song: It started out as a feeling which then grew into a hope. Was it love, or just something that reminded me of something that felt a lot like, but wasn't, love. Just friends, friends then, until the end you know I still pretend, just friends. Our conversation weren’t exactly long but I admit I enjoyed them nonetheless. More than seeing him in real, I saw him more in my dreams. It was always “I must have been dreaming” moments with him. Wishing that he would leave me with some kind of proof that it’s not a dream in the morning when I woke up. This one too had a girlfriend when I knew that he existed. I read somewhere that “a sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go”. Yes, I let him go as well.

Well, that wasn’t a wonderful love story, love stories right? I’m friends with all three of them now. It hurt when I lost each of the various Martians I fell in love with. Today, every time I look up at the sky at night, I count three stars and smile hoping that they too are smiling back at me. I guess I’m totally convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. I have come to understand that ‘Universe has its law to break heart’. And it’s true that “Being in love with each other doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be a couple; sometimes you just have to be friends”.

Future scope: I would like to believe that I’m in love with someone I don’t know and who didn’t figure in my plans at all. I have left myself to be swept away by the first person to treat me a little differently. It’s just as well I don’t have his phone number that I don’t know where he lives. I guess that way I can love him without having to blame myself for another missed opportunity. In other words I’m letting him find me, in real and not just in our dreams.

Baby, ever since you walked into my life

My meaning of life has changed

I rearranged my entire way of looking at things

And all that I say is because of you

Because of my love for you

Baby, you have helped me find who I’m

‘Cos I can see who you are

You are a shining star

For me in our my private galaxy

Baby I love you

What’s life without love? Do you know yet that 2011 is a year of falling in love? Here’s to everyone falling in love: Spread love!!! Happy Valentines Day!!!

Lovey JC!

PS. Let me quote a line from one of my favourite movies Love Actually, “The thing about romance is....people only get together right at the very end”. I’m all prepared for a Prince Charming to appear and carry me off for good. Are you prepared? So hang in there! Much Love!

THE WAY I ARE! (PART II)

I'm kinda stoked that you read the whole of Part I (you probably could have done other stuff in those 5-7 minutes). I know that was ridiculously long. Well I commend you and anyone else for that and thank you for spending your time on me. I hope I could get a little closer to you. So give me your permission to continue further.

Food wise, I’m not fussy about it. I’m not a junk food fan but I can’t resist to homemade food. The happiest meal for me is suja, rice and red chilli ema datshi. I hated cooking till my undergrad. During my student life I skipped home economics. So I’m very insecure about my culinary prowess. I never had to cook while I lived with my parents. I just needed to order food. But now that I need to cook, I have learnt few recipes here and there. Having said that, I can make a mean datshi of every vegetable. I can make my version of pasta and spaghetti. I will serve you when I next meet you if it falls on a Saturday (I have my own superstitious reasons). Yes, I’m a superstitious person. I have a superstition of seeing a bottle of milk to bring good luck.

I’m too emotional! This is the hardest part for me now. I’m romantic at heart (I seldom show this to the Martian). I have always hidden this until now but I’m doing it just for you. I love LOVE and I’m a secret sucker for romance too. It could be in the form of romantic movies, romantic songs, romantic books, relationships, gifts, Valentine’s Day, an evening walk, et cetera. I agree that ‘Love is the greatest emotion in the world’’. Every big and little thing in our life has love in it. In truth, like any other girl I’m waiting for the day my dream man will appear in front of me. Yes, I would like to be swept off my feet and then run far away to the Neverland. It’s the fault of those romantic movies and books which had an irrevocable influence on me. But there is this little intuition that says me that ideal romance do exists. You could say I’m an idealist at heart, waiting for the ultimate one. Meanwhile I would pick Imran Khan to go on a fantasy date in case I don’t get dates with Won Bin.

Well, there’s a long checklist of requirements for what it takes to be my perfect man. I will share FEW of them here. I’m a curious cat, so should be Intelligent to answer my infinite questions. I want to be bored yet entertained incessantly by the one I’m with, so should be witty, charming with a healthy sense of humour. Should be trustworthy (I could say almost anything). I hate Liars, so no pretensions. Should be kind to me, you and all. All this while I have been lifting those heavy boxes, for a change I would like to have someone who can carry it for me. I want someone to help me control all the situations in my life, of course in a positive way. Should have some sort of connection, I don’t know what sort of but something that will keep me drawing towards him. May be some kind of feeling that people write about in novels. Patient enough to catch all the frequent tantrums that I must have to throw. Send me a text when he feels I sounded a bit low. I’m not talking about the looks but if he’s good looking that wouldn’t hurt at all (tongue out). In return (I want to borrow Pearl Jam’s line) I would happily be the verb 'to trust' and never let you down. Wow! I said it all. This spares me from my matrimonial fee. But I feel sad that it’s difficult for me to find one. By the way, he can bypass the stuffed toys (there are only limited toys that I truly find cute and I can gift that myself). Is it something like ‘out of reach’? I know you see me like some wide eyed dreamer, but I’m not the only one here (you know that right?). I have also seen aplenty cases wherein ‘when love happens, the list doesn’t matter so much’. So those Martians who were about to give up impressing me can finally relax.

I’m a music fiend. I have a long-standing relationship with music. It is my escape into my utopia! Each word in the lyrics is so real. There is so much to relate and dedicate. I can listen to from start to finish and on repeat mode, the whole day and the next day and everyday. It plays an important role in my life. If you see me in a bad mood, sing me a song. That will make me cry first and then I’ll be back to normal (Well done, you just made my day!) It’s a crutch for me to lean on at all time. There is this wonderful association of listening to one particular song that makes you want to sing along especially ‘cause you have some memorable moments with each one (I have lots since I like burning CDs for my friends). I enjoy listening to a wide variety of music. I like the banjo. There is something about it that connects to me. I like the sound of acoustic guitar, violin and piano. I like listening to local music too. The only thing I hate about music is the loud and late night singing of a person that offends my eardrum while I’m in my dream world.

Singing is JC’s covert passion. I have a dream to sing (just in case one of the many bands out in the town is in dire need to recruit a new member). I can’t really do that so I attempt to sing while I do some karaoke, but it’s been a couple of years now. It’s so much fun just standing in front of the mike, taking a while to actually dedicate the song and then pouring out your emotions while the beat goes on and on. I love singing especially duets. I can spend hours and hours practicing alone. I have a raw video with me singing with one of my Thai friend that I met on a study tour in Bangkok. If my mood allows me I could share the video with you some day. I love car singing too especially along with Clarkson, Gaga and Perry. I used to own a guitar before but I never got a teacher who could teach me. Sadly, I never made the best use of it. I wish I could make music. At the moment I’m learning a Korean song so that I can make an impression on Won Bin on our first date (blush blush). I tell you it’s not as easy as we tend to feel while listening. I’m mortified to say but I’m just two lines through past two months. Fighting!

All my life I have hated the smell of perfume. But about a year ago, I bought some bottles of perfume and since then I have loved spraying perfumes. I was sort of left out in that department but I’m making up for lost time now. I love giving gifts and also getting them. It could be as simple as a nail clipper when I misplace mine or Vaseline for my cracked heel. I'm still beyond obsessed with the book ‘A Walk to Remember’. It still gives me the goose flesh even today! Whenever I want my dose of romance, I grab the book and I’m captivated by it. It’s everything I maybe wanted for myself when I was in college. I still can’t let it go.

I hate sharing. I rather sacrifice it for the other one in need than just carve up. I like helping others as much as I can if it has a positive effect on them. It takes two to share. I have also learnt that it’s not bad to be selfish. Because there are some things in life that are not meant to be shared, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I make sure I get my full share too.

So prolly now is the moment to come clean with you about my flaws. I’m pretty clumsy. I’m a geek per se. I’m moody. I can be harsh and rude to anyone. I have been given the name ‘tough’ by few of my friends. I hate cleaning floors. I’m nowhere near the concept of girl-next-door. I can make up excuses for almost everything if that saves me from scolding. Oh! Am I into my I-hate list? There is plethora of stuffs that I dislike. I hate peeling oranges. I have an aversion towards people who do matchmaking. I still wonder what Austen’s fascination was with matchmaking in Emma. I have many issues about phone. I hate when I want a call or a message and don’t get one. I hate people talking over phone when I’m right in front of them sitting alone, makes me feel like some idiot waiting for a free meal. I hate the feeling when people don’t message back right after I text them. I hate when the whole world rings me when either my battery is low or I’m busy.

I hate all those double meaning jokes. I cannot digest lies and I hate liars to my bones.  I hate those extended meetings and boring speeches. It’s so sleepy and annoying. I hate mosquitoes. I hate my bad hair days. I hate when I see my nails filled with dirt. As determined as I’m, I can be adamant. I have to win an argument even if I have to contradict myself sometimes. I can be a drama queen too. Most important I don’t do favours for free. Okay, I was kidding about the later. I was checking on you if you skipped few lines ‘cause I already said that I like lending a helping hand. Regardless of these downbeat semblances, I’m living my days the way I like with so many lessons to learn. Life has been amazing and I maybe, have started liking being imperfect. ‘Cause that’s the way, JC’s way!

Phew!!! So this is it. These were some of the things that only few of my closest friends already know. Some of the things were for you, for those who wanted to be friends with me and in some ways I couldn’t be one (I would like to believe that way). There were also few things that nobody ever knew about. I hope I got to say it exactly about who I really am in real life. Now I’m wondering what you are wondering about what I’m and I’m not? Lastly but certainly not the least, I may not be perfect, however, I will never change (but I will never stay the same either). It’s a Leo thing again, I suppose.

I read a wonderful quote once "everyone tells me that I've changed, but the truth is that I've just stopped living my life their way". I’m sure it’s true for most of you; it definitely speaks for me! Ain’t people right when they say that we should never apologize for the way we are? So be yourself, always! Happy rediscovering yourself!

Me Still, JC

PS. Can you handle me the way I'm are?

THE WAY I ARE! (PART I)

"I have no special talents. I’m only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein.

"I have no special talents. I’m only passionately curious." - JC.

For the last few months, I've been writing on this blog. Somehow I felt comfortable writing about things that happen in my life. I’M (WO)MAN OF MY WORDS. So keeping my last promise, today as I slough off the skin, I take you a little closer to who I am and to my real world. Generally I’m always excited by anything but I’m very nervous about this one. It could be because I’m not vocal about my feelings. I’m very secretive. I always keep my personal feelings on a sly. It’s is a new thing that I’m writing few things about it in my blog. Otherwise, I won’t ever give a hint of what I fancy about. Those who don’t know me well enough always land up muttering that I don’t say the right thing at the right time. So I thought maybe I could write it all down so that next time someone says that, I will say “Hey, you gotta read this one!” And now, I’m excited for you to know about me and my stealthy confessions.

Well…Hi, I’m Jigme. I’ve been alive for 27 years now. I’m a normal one with my own share of choices, concerns, insecurities and everything hereafter (Welcome to my random musings). I’m a woman who can very well define my namesake - FEARLESS. I have been a loner. I totally love being on my own most of the time which has made me country strong & Independent. If there’s no Ophiuchus as the 13th Zodiac sign and my Zodiac sign has not changed, I’m a Leon! I once read a tweet saying when a Leo female walks into a room, it's almost as if a Queen just made an appearance. That’s for you to judge. We are infamously known to be arrogant, domineering, selfish, sensitive, snide, flashy and egoist. I do have a slight touch of these traits in me too. On the brighter side I’m very organized. I like to have my to-do list (helps me against my absentmindedness). I’m very particular about anything and everything. It means doing the right thing is very important to me.

I might not look one, but I’m easy-going and fun-loving person. I’m not very sociable but I love to hang out with my important people (especially my gang of girls). I normally prefer slumber party over others; cook, eat, drink, and laugh, make jokes and sleep over. I cannot work for 24 hours straight. I need to enter the amazing world of dreams while I take my beauty sleep (at least seven hours). I hate those nights when I have to skip but I can sacrifice few nights out of 365. I love taking naps (during weekends ‘cause that’s the only time I get to take) especially with my favorite playlist on. Something about it just feels right. I neither have the capacity nor an ardor to party. I would rather go out for a Karaoke with my friends. I love going out for morning breakfast and just hang out with them (I haven’t done that for quite sometime now). Family and friends are important; it’s just that I don’t need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn’t my goal.

There are moments when I prefer chilling by myself (I need my space, a LOT). I love going on solo-drive, stop at some nice place and sit with a good book. I like almost everything about books; buying books, gifting books, receiving one as a gift, covering the book, turning the pages and arranging it on the shelf. I love reading. I mostly read books recommended by my ardent reader friends. Otherwise, I love reading books by Indian authors. I can so relate to the characters. It is so easy to actually associate with most of the things mentioned in the book. I love all genres of books mostly on philosophy, biographies, autobiographies, history, self-help, etc. You will also find romantic novels in the read list in my weRead bookshelf. These books have a breathtaking story that I guess never happen in reality. There is this loveliness in it which harks back at me of what I don’t have and what I want in real. It’s one of those means by which I can enter into a happily-ever-after world. And there’s so much great knowledge in books. At the moment I’m reading “The Law of Nature”.

I have my own collection of collecting stuffs. I have been doing philately since my school days. I have a small collection of coins and currencies. I like collecting hair clips. I like to treasure earrings, headbands, bangles, necklaces especially beads. I like to collect pencils and pens, even greeting cards. I like collecting souvenirs from the places I visit. I like collecting mobile straps. Recently I started hoarding refrigerator magnets (I’m on a mission to surprise my new housemate). By and large, I like to gather anything that falls into the category of ‘cute’.

I’m very old-fashioned, I still write letters and notes by hand. I love letters, be it writing letters or reading letters. Actually I love reading more than writing. I simply love reading all those so-called-love-letters. Makes me a romantic and senti person. I still love writing (quoting) sweet nothings from my favourite songs. And yes, you must have noticed I use way too many exclamation marks in my everyday typing, in texts, in my tweets, in my status! Oh I just used “!”. It makes me feel good, that’s it. I feel it expresses the emotion very well.

Like every other women I love shoes, flip flops in particular. I hate clothes shopping though. I don’t have patience to spend hours looking for something that’s not readily available. But I should admit I like spending my time in a handicraft and antique shops. It gives me an opportunity to admire and wonder about each piece displayed. Next time I find an antique shop, I’m gonna buy myself a compass. I desperately need with my horrible sense of direction to reach a place (and also in my life). I like fleece probably because I’m always freezing cold during winter.

I like watching movies. Friday is my movie night. If I’m not busy I make sure I watch at least two DVDs. It’s one of many things that help me revive my strength after a weeklong work. I’m a huge fan of romantic comedy and war movies. I love the whole idea of movie marathon with my favorite movies. I like Japanese anime movies, Korean drama series with American series. I’m not a TV person but I love channel surfing when I’m alone and have nothing else to do.

I have always loved British accent in my life though I haven’t really tried speaking myself. I do wish, pray and hope that I get to stay and pick up the accent. I’m telling you this ‘cause I don’t want to surprise you then. Otherwise I’m in love with the way how Leonardo DiCaprio says “huh!” in his movies. I’m his die-hard fan, both for his movies and his environmental activities (more on this in my upcoming blogs).

I love almost everything about BHUTAN. It’s my foremost interest. I love trekking through our jungle and mountains. I have developed this small interest in photography and backpacking. I love prayer flags posted all over. It’s so serene to see them standing tall on a top of a mountain. I like trying local vegetarian foods. I don’t have a sweet tooth. I like local dialects. I like languages and linguistics. I love the local dress our tribes and highlanders wear. I would like to wear them especially if it’s comfortable. I love travelling, a LOT! I love exploring new places, in-country or ex-country. I have always been fascinated by the “Around the World in Eighty Days”. I have enough vigor to travel non stop and all around the world. I would gladly spend my money travelling to lots of places where I rather want to go. One of the things I like about travel is the opportunity to meet new friends.

My favorite color has changed with my age but for this very moment it’s red. Being a part of the Environment of late, GREEN signifies a lot to me. It’s like I have reserved a special place for it. I have always loved the colour of the sky, so blue, so pure and so true. I’m moody so the best color to describe my personality would be rainbow; seven different hues to represent my different moods and emotions. 

I love the first monsoon rains! It’s a good feeling to see the day start with a rainy morning and end with a rainy evening especially during a day off from work. Every street looks clean and different. There is something profound about them that make me wistful. Love how everything can get so romantic. It’s such a perfect time for those long walks and long drives with someone special, of course. And it’s exciting and exhilarating to get wet in the rain (you should stop being an adult version of Little Johnny and try it for yourself).  

I love arts. I love the freedom of living alone with recurrent feeling of going back to become ten again. I love counting stars while waiting for a shooting star to pass by (so that I can make a wish and dream my dreams). I love the days when it starts to get dark very late. I like the whole process of how a day begin and end; crack of dawn, life is suddenly alive, and dusk falls. I’m ambitious, hard working and determined. I’m all for living the simple life but always looking for something new. I’m the kind of girl who likes to hit hard on happiness every now and then.

I love my job though there moments when I’m too tired that I can’t feel my legs and ‘I wanna quit’. But I love what I do and I’m happy to be working most of the time. I can forgo my private plans if I need to work on weekends. So, yes I'm a workaholic! As surprising as you might find, I like networking when I’m not working. I have accounts in most social networking sites. I like updating my profile, that way it helps me keep in touch with my friends. I like to block and then delete negative people from my list when I switch on to my tough mode.

Surprised by the JC’s candidness? This is an attempt that hopefully I don’t need a fake smile next time I meet you. You should try it yourself too. It’s a fun experience and you get an opportunity to study every contour of your individuality that you unabashed impeccable claim to possess.

Me, JC

PS. I’m greedy for good music, good books, good food, good company, love and the list goes on…