26.02.2015
HOW ARE YOU?!
But the lies that we tell
ourselves are the ghosts that haunt the empty house of midnight. – Shantaram
(Gregory David Roberts)
Kemon achho?
Khub bhaalo achhi, dhonyobad!
(How’re you?
Very well, thank you!)
That was my everyday
conversation I used to have every other day with every single person I
encountered while I was hospitalized in Kolkata this February (Damn, my sore kidney!). Come
attendants, visitors, doctors, nurses, sisters, brothers, carers - people kept asking me, “so how’re you today?” I used to
lie. Yes, I used to avoid their volley of questions with a big fat lie, “I’M
FINE” and a convincing smile. People say that you shouldn't lie to a sick
person. It’s bad karma. But what do you do when the sick person is the one
lying? Honestly, I don’t know. What can you say about the pain that you can’t
endure anymore? How can you say that you are frigging afraid of Shinje (God of death) almost knocking your door?
I have no answers.
I had wanted to write on
this title some years ago but I was struck
by writer’s block then. This piece always remained in its draft form with some
illegible scribbles. But I've to say this is just the right
time. Sometimes, you know, the timing works out.
Everything
okay?
No, everything is not
okay. No, no, I’m not fine. I’m not swell like I forever pretend to be. Nothing
is grand about me. I recently had a small operation. As much as the medical
name is flashy, it sounds pretty surgical (so, no medical or surgical talks). The
day before my surgery was appointed I was lying on a hospital bed worried about
my surgery. Here I was tracing life in my head. Yet I was lying through my
teeth to every other nurses, sisters, brothers, attendants and doctors in the
ward where I had made my temporary home. I was lying about how I was feeling - apart
from the fact that I might die, ‘I’m fine’.
It was depressing to
watch the wall clock ticking right in the front (impeccable position) and to
watch the IV bag on a pole right next to my bed, which was connected through
the IV lines to my right hand. The liquid feed was getting into every bit of
cells in my body. And my body was at least happy (I’d like to think so) sipping
the warm liquid slowly. I was like holding onto it as if my life depended on it
completely (perhaps I was). It felt like a dead end during my anesthetized
hours. Like I could kick the bucket any moment. All those idiotic thoughts were
coming and going in this basket case’s head. Like it's all that's in my head. I
was fighting tooth and nail to push and shake off all the morbid thoughts. So,
no, I wasn’t over the moon about that either. I thought watching too much of
Grey’s Anatomy would make me familiar and less scarier. But nope, I was shit
scared.
I have a stent placed
inside my body and it pains every time I attend the call of nature. My life has
become a juggle of drinking water/fluid as much as I can and visiting the loo
after every glassful intake. My daily mission is to accomplish at least two liters
of urine output. I’m trying but it sucks when some places does not have a
privy. So, yes, I’m not in my best health. I hate bad health days. I haven’t
gotten through some stupid person. And that has made a mess of my thoughts.
I’ve changed into an owl from a lark (be damned insomnia!). That’s annoying when
you need an eight hours of sleep and at the same time reach office on time
without skipping breakfast! I’m desperately looking for sponsors that would
allow me to travel abroad for work. So, yes, I’m not in my best mood either as
I claim to be every freaking day. In fact, I'm going out of my freaking mind! Bit
of a rant and rave, I know. BUT I’M FINE, still. I’ve never felt more alive! There
goes another lie. Here I’m hell-bent on lying to prove that I’m stronger, trying
to become the strongest one on the planet every waking second. In sport, let’s
play a game - who wants to go on a lying rampage to hide your weaker side with
me?
I once read that saying
“I’m fine” is one of the three biggest lies every one chants when asked the
usual rhetorical questions – “How’re you?” How’re you, again? I’m fine (that
sounds like something I would say). But are you really fine? Are you really doing
well? That sounds like you’re living
in a utopian world among utopian fellows. God, we’re such a bunch of good
liars. We all should be nominated for Oscars, after all we all are in the same
clique of putting a mask with a convincing smile. And I should definitely
win the award. All my life I’ve always said that I hate hypocrites and that liars
really get my goat. Maybe all these while I’ve been one. You
know, if they had a contest for the world's best liar, I'd win it hands down. Like seriously.
And bonus award for the world’s best hypocrite… SIGH!
Life is
difficult for everyone. It’s hard, this thing with all the unpleasant stuffs
happening in our lives at some point of time. Be it bad health, death in the
family, broken heart, quarrel with your significant other, distance with your
best friend, relationships turning sour. It’s really hard. It’s exhausting. And
well, it’s complicated. Those moments when all you need is for the pain to
be gone. Flunking in
your exam, losing a bet, fight with boss at work, getting fired from the job. Now
that’s frustrating. Every one is going through a bad patch. All of us have gone
through bad days, lost golden opportunities and feelings have eventually lost. All
those feelings that you feel, that’s life. And life sometimes sucks. It is scary and
threatening. I
get it. I do. But you should know that sometimes terrible things happen
to incredible people. And I guess it’s okay to be a little miserable every now
and then in life. It’s okay to be sad even when you have beautiful people in
your life. It’s okay to be depressed even though you have all the great things
in your life. Eventually we get through that rough patch. It comes and goes. Life
will always find a way to continue. They say that when things seem the
most desperate, people find you and you’re not alone any more. And that’s part
of what it means to be alive. That’s how we survive. That’s what makes our life
interesting. Well, life's too short to even care at all.
It takes a lot of tries to be the toughest one in front of everyone.
So, how about we come clean and pour out what we are feeling, how we are
exactly feeling, how we are doing? It doesn’t take any stones. That’s like
effortless. All of our primary school days we have been taught that “honesty is
the best policy”. Whatever happened to HONESTY! Turns out we’re all just
talk. As grown-ups
we do not care a bit to heed these words. As grown-ups we're this mess of lies
and hypocrites. After all, award-winning liars that we all have become with
time. I guess sometimes we just need to cut ourselves some slack and allow
ourselves to be just the way we are in real. No more phony ‘I’m fine’ shits. No
more fake smiles behind that pain. No more lies for once. It’s about time to be
honest and uncover the mask and let people see how broken we are inside. And make
sure that you fight like hell to be alive. Lets shed our skin of downright liars
and be ourselves. So, how're you, again?
Once-a-liar, JC
PS. Because you’re
gonna lie that you’re fine. So I’ll just leave these open-ended options: Hunky-dory?
Splendid? Fabulous? Happy? Rocking? On top of the world? Copacetic? Subversive?
Wired? Redundant? Scattered? Awful? Barely breathing? Nonessential? Don
Quixotic? Heartbroken? Crestfallen? Addled? Apathetic? Antisocial? Jealous?
Motivated? Discouraged? Hanging in there? Running away? Feel better now? In some of your
answers, I see myself. Because I’m a little like you all. But it feels
so damn good to say what you’ve been actually feeling, right? May the truth set
you free!
